Yesterday I had a biiig “Fuck the World” outlook.
Maybe it’s all the above… and some more.
I was sliding downhill, dropping lower and lower, drowning myself in negativity, sour outlook and toxic thoughts.
I had to kill it.
So I went for a run to force the poison out, through the sweat, the pain, the challenge, to let the thoughts work through until the end, to push myself out of the shit and back to fresh air.
I turned up my music, straight hood rap, and took off, at the heat of the day. I honestly don’t know what time it was. I don’t know how long I ran. And I don’t even care.
All I cared about was killing.
However, in the end, after the run, the cold bath (yes, I put ice in thurr) and writing a couple thousand words, I realized I was compounding this feeling on my own, that this enemy was actually a part of me. Left unguarded, this enemy will pop up and manifest itself through a weak spot. Then it spreads to urrything.
The last couple of weeks this enemy has found a weak spot, in a girl, and has capitalized on the opportunity, tearing me down and infecting other areas.
But I figured him out, learning more about his technique and developing a clearer understanding, to prepare for the next time.
Next time I just have to realize sooner and change my thinking from “Fuck the World” to “Fuck Up The World”.