I want to be dangerous. I love that word. Not for the negative aspect but for the positive. It’s like being bad, in a good way. I want to be dangerous. I want to have skills and talents that are “likely to cause problems” for the status quo, for boring, for normal. I’ve told countless people that I want to take over the world. My typical response when people ask why I’m traveling: “They don’t teach World Domination classes in college so I decided to learn for myself in the real world.” I want people to look up to me for a reason. I want to push forward, to make amazing products, to do fantastic things. I want to be great with people which I think is the first step. Well, second step. The first step is internal. It’s having everything lined up and moving forward with a purpose. I want to face huge obstacles and overcome them. I want to push forward through adversity. I want to feel passion, the “willful suffering” type. I want to give everything I can to a project. I want to lay it all on the line, to burn my boats and bridges and not be able to look back. I want to go all in, not on a gamble, but on myself, on what the future holds for me. I want my empire.
Here’s my problem. I’ve lived an easy life. At least compared to some people. More detrimental than that, though, is the ease with which I make things happen / things happen for me. I’m naturally athletic. I never had to practice my ass off to be one of the best on the team. I never had to be in the gym or on the field on a Saturday in the off season working my ass off for that starting position. I just got it. I’m naturally smart. I didn’t stay up late at night studying my ass off to get good grades. I had one of the better grade point averages of my group of friends. 3.76. That’s like a 97 average without trying. I knew how to play the game. I didn’t do homework I didn’t want to do because that’s dumb. I’d rather copy the homework that was useless long term than spend my time learning it. I did the work I enjoyed but for the most part, I gamed school. I’m good looking so that has helped. I’m good with people, which also helps. I can smile and shake hands damn well. But here’s the problem. I can build an image, my image, incredibly well. From the outside I look like a bad ass because that’s how I want people to see me. People always tell me, and have always told me, what a future I have, how successful I will be.
But there are flaws / fundamental weaknesses / unaddressed issues that keep me from reaching my full potential. I haven’t committed to anything as hard I want to. I don’t have any real experience in a job or something that will add to my arsenal of world domination powers. I’ve worked on myself a lot, reading hundreds of books, forcing myself to improve in different areas, learning and growing.
But still none of it is to that DANGEROUS LEVEL.
I guess it’s relative to who I compare myself to. If I am comparing myself to those I went to school with, I feel years ahead. That’s just how it is. That’s why I only have older friends and don’t really enjoy associating with people my age. I try to surround myself with ambitious people who are making things happen.
If I compare myself to who I was a one, two, five years ago, I’ve come a long way. I’ve read hundreds of books in the last 2 or 3 years. I’ve tried to start a few projects / businesses, learning huge lessons in the process.
But none of these did I commit to 100%.
What’s the solution?
I need to work for awesome people. I need to work under someone that LOVES what they do, pouring their heart and soul into their work. Not to the point of obsession, forgetting other crucial parts of life. Well, maybe. I need someone, a mentor, to set an example, take me under his wing, and encourage me to force myself to live up to my potential. I think this is hard to find for me. I have a hard time looking up / admiring people. Celebrities? Who cares, they are people just like you and I. I don’t get star-struck. Instead, I want to talk to them and learn from them. Coaches? Ehh, not really. My football coaches were dicks and I never thought that they were above me. The list could go on but I just have a hard time looking up to someone. That has to be earned, not just be a given since they have a title. Ramble ramble ramble..
My next step is finding someone to take me under their wing. Maybe it’s back in America. Maybe it’s in Europe. I need a “job” where I can learn and grow from someone I absolutely look up, someone who is pushing themselves to be the best. I think I want to go into sales of some sort soon. I want a sales job that will teach me about selling, that will expose me to people around the world that could be doing cool things. I want to be able to sell anything, to be good with people. Fuck that, to be great with people. To be able to raise funding for ideas. To be able to walk into a room and get to know anyone.
I want to fully commit to a direction under the leadership / guidance of someone that I can admire for their drive and direction.
I guess you could say that what I’m doing is far past many people my age. I dropped out of college because it’s a failed system and now I’m self educating myself by traveling around the world. I’ve attempted to start a few businesses. I’ve made friends with influential people in my city. Blah blah blah. I wonder what percentage I would be in the people my age? I would say maybe top 15% for cool shit accomplished. I’m top 5% for most rounded. I’m too rounded. I need more angles, more corners, more sharpness.
Some great advice I got from a very successful friend was from a story he told me. He was changing careers, switching direction. He wanted to get into building ski resorts. He found a guy who developed someone of the best ski resorts in the world and told him that he would work for him, pay free, for a year, doing whatever that guy wanted him to do. From cleaning toilets to the dirty stuff. Whatever in exchange for hanging out with him and learning from him. This guy was a Yale graduate and already VERY successful.
That’s what I want to do. I want to find somebody to work under that knows what the hell they are doing, WORLD CLASS, and learn learn learn from them. I will start businesses in the future. That’s a given, it’s in my blood. But I don’t know how to do that yet. I don’t have anywhere near the skills to do that. Nor do I really know what I want to start. So right now, I’m learning. But I need to focus my learning. Cool, travel has been great and I’ve grown more worldly from the experience, learned even more about myself, yayaya but now it’s time for a next step. That’s why I’m in Belgrade right now, to figure out that next step.
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This is an unedited journal entry I wrote on a European train ride. True, honest, real.