I generally consider myself very secure, self confident, strong. It’s partly natural, partly a product of working to stop caring what others think of me, to figure out who the hell I am, and to generally improve things I suck at.
I like finding weaknesses and improving them. I like finding faults and eliminating them.
So when the unanimous feedback from this post pointed towards INSECURITY, it hit me hard. When I received the first response from my step dad I literally felt like someone kicked me in the chest. With boots. And he wasn’t the only one to use that word.
So I started asking myself questions, thinking, and then researching. And down the rabbit hole I ventured.
What is Insecurity?
Insecurity Keywords: unease, nervous, vulnerable, unstable, compensation, unsure, something’s missing.
Can’t Enjoy Silence
Insecurity in Relationships
Most of those “symptoms” I’ve worked to improve or eliminate. 5 years ago the whole list applied.
Defensiveness: I’ve worked to be open to criticism, if constructive, and to not put up a wall when confronted. This is a continuing process but I’m working on it.
Silence and Being Alone: In high school I hated it. Absolutely. I always played music and tried to with friends as much as possible. Couldn’t stand being alone and in my mind. Now I meditate, I think a lot, enjoy silence, and I love being in my mind.
Overly Authoritative: I used to want to control everything, to have it my way. Now I enjoy letting things unfold as they should, going with the flow.
Competitive: Yes, in sports. “Put me on the court and I’m trouble.” But I now try to compete with myself, comparing myself to myself.
Materialistic: Hell yeah I was. I cared soooo much about my appearance, what I wore, how people perceived me. I wanted cars, clothes, toys, all of the above. I wanted it all. Now I don’t care what you think. I embrace minimalism and I now live with only 50 items. I would rather not have a house or a car and instead have the life I want. Money has lost it’s appeal.
I’ve worked hard to get here, deep introspection, specifically challenging myself to improve these areas. It’s still a long journey, repeatedly re-focusing and re-addressing these areas.
But that last one, Insecurity in Relationships, that’s a big problem.
This hits me the hardest:
Admitting that is difficult but it’s the first step. The next step I would default to would be:
What am I insecure about? How does insecurity manifest itself in my life?
However, the answers are only more symptoms. I think the right question is:
Why am I insecure?
That’s the trunk of the tree from which all the branches grow. It’s a much more difficult question to ask, one that needs professional help to be addressed. Some sort of therapy. When I am able to I fully plan to take this action. But where does that leave me now? What can I do to work on this problem at the root?
Everybody is insecure. At least they start that way. With age and wisdom and growth insecurity can be addressed and improved, maybe until it completely goes away. Can anybody ever be completely secure with who they are? I don’t know.
I’ve realized insecurity manifests itself in multiple forms in my life, in ways I didn’t initially realize were connected. Although different branches they are the same tree.
I am going to continue my journey of self-exploration and development, to continue to work on this area of my life, in order to live the best life that I can, down down the rabbit hole. Is there any other way?