The right word, I’m not sure, but I know the feeling.
It arises, from an unknown depth, when I see a her, a girl I’m with in some capacity, who has more than just my sexual interest, who I actually care for, talking to another guy. Yes, even just talking awakens it.
It claws it’s way up, even though I am trying to force it down, logically attacking, attempting to move on, to make it not matter. But it stays, encouraging me to take action, to walk over and take ownership, to show him that she’s mine.
“Wouldn’t that feel amazing?” it asks. “To wrap your hands around her waist and kiss her neck while he’s talking.”
Why does this feeling arise? Why do I care?
Is it fear that I’m not good enough? Is it fear that I will be hurt if he can swoop her away? Why do I not want her talking to other guys in front of me?
I like to think I could trust her, if she’s earned it, to run around, be free, to do what she wants, and in the end us / we is powerful enough to keep her with me. I’d like to think so.
But this feeling makes me think I can’t trust. I don’t have a reason, at least one that I can pin point, to feel this way. I’ve never been cheated on. I’ve never really even dated long term.
So why does this feeling come up? What part of my ego is this situation prodding? Which part of my mind or heart is it attacking? And what exactly is it?
I want to kill it, bury it, never see it again.
I don’t want it to be around when I have a real relationship. I don’t want to worry about what she is doing when I’m not with her. I don’t want to worry about her going behind my back. I don’t want those thoughts polluting our relationship.
So I want to get rid of it, while I have time to hunt it down, to dig deep, find it, and eliminate it.
But it needs a name. It needs a history. It needs to be called out, face to face, wild west shoot out style. I need to see it, size it up, then take it down.
But I can’t do that if I can’t name it.
So what’s it called?
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Have some thoughts / suggestions on naming it? Would very much your feedback below.